Welcome. Come and join me on a journey to Scandinavia: Denmark to be precise. A country that has been knocked off top spot of the world’s happiest countries by those central European bankers of Switzerland. Toblerone.
But I digress…those of you who have met me before will know that I have been the author of the world’s most popular English language blog about MTK Budapest, Hungary’s greatest team (that plays in blue and white). Well now due to a multitude of reasons, I am relocating to Copenhagen: the team will change, but the journey will continue.
But which team (not only do I start sentences with ‘but’: I also start paragraphs with ‘but’) will it be? I fortunately have a few rounds of the 14/15 season to decide. And the decision will be made using the ‘Matrix of Truth’. Bambambaaam. (Given my lack of blogging skills, the matrix will acutally appear more like a list).
The Factors of Truth
The Matrix of Truth will consist of several factors, the so-called Factors of Truth. In true, Eastern European style each factor will be awarded a score from 1 to 5 (5 being the best and also the name of a low-quality Russian supermarket). The team with the highest score will win my love. There may also be something known as the Unknown Variable – this will basically allow me to increase the score of any given team so that the result is fixed.
The Factors of Truth are below in increasing importance.
I need a team that I can buy into. Work ethic is important but a desire to play the game the right way (badaboom with the cliché). “The game is about glory. It’s about doing things in style, with a flourish, about going out and beating the other lot, not waiting for them to die of boredom.” God bless you Danny Blanchflower.
All good teams need a rival. A team that unties the support in hatred. A team that rouses deep rooted passions. A team whose fans (however close that you are to them personally) you cannot look in the eye for 90 minutes twice a year (before going a getting drunk with them). A rival helps define a team. Without a rival, you are nothing (how is that going for you Celtic?)
Stadium must have good access to beer.
Japanese clearly not a fan of my writing
I am forced to admit that my days of attending Soviet Concrete Bowls on a regular basis is over. But that does not mean that I am willing to accept, your average corporate arena. The stadium needs a soul. A stadium without a soul is a theatre and I am not a huge fan of the theatre (not to say I don‘t respect it).
Also there should be a hedge. Hedges in football stadiums are important. They show more care, love and attention that a concrete wall or metal fence can ever achieve.
They must be nice. I like to think of myself as a nice chap and I want to be associated with fellow nice chaps. Standing next to someone waving a White Pride flag with a Celtic Cross tattoeed to his face is not my idea of a nice chap.
The fans also need to be friendly. Not overtly welcoming, but just nice. It is a feeling. It cannot be explained (by a talentless scribe like myself). Sometimes when you walk into a ground, you know you belong. I had that feeling at MTK. I did not feel out of place. I did not feel like a stranger.
Most importantly is the kit. I do not like red. I do not look good in red.
After Gedeon, it will be difficult to feel as strongly about another mascot. But macots are important (not sure where I am going with this). Take Gedeon, a sad, contemplative goose is a figurehead that resounds strongly with me. On the other hand, take a look at the dinosaur thing that the migrants from North London have. How can anyone feel comfortable supporting a team with a mascot called Gunnersaurous (or however it is spelt)? That drunk owl thing at Ferencvaros is not much better either.
Yes, this is me kissing a goose.
I am going to pretend that I have done no research on Danish football before writing this section. (Assumed knowledge is the killer of mutual understanding).
The two obvious teams and likely to be the only two teams that most of us have heard of are FC Kobenhaven and Brondby. These are the big boys of Copenhagen football. They both play in the top division and have had varying degrees of success over the last couple of decades.
Bronshoj: Copenhagen’s third club play in the second tier of the Danish football system. They currently lie bottom with just a handful of games left. Can I go to the depths of the Danish third tier?
Fremad Amager: solidly based third division team and traditional producer of good young Danish players.
Malmo. Woah, woah, woah. What are you talking about? Crazy I may be, but Malmo is just a short hop across a long bridge from Copenhagen. Could I turn my back on Denmark and follow one of Sweden’s finest.
Arriving in early May, I have a few weeks to watch and select before investing my heart and wallet into a new team. It seems fickle. It is fickle.
My money is on either Brondby or Fremad Amager, but the Matrix of Truth shall be the decider. Although given that it will be completed by me, I will actually be the decider.